10) When you begin to laugh you yell, LOL.
9) You tell your computer you love it, more than you tell your spouse.
8) Your house catches on fire and you run home to save your computer before your family.
7) Your computer is your ONLY friend.
6) You think cyber sex is better than real sex.
5) You type only in short hand (YO ROFLMAO I'LL BRB B4 U RTFM LOL).
4) You type 40 words a minute with two fingers.
3) Your twins are named RAM & ROM.
2) After breaking from your computer, you realize you have gained 40lbs, have grown hair in unusual places, your spouse and kids have left you, and Windows 3.1 is outdated
1) YOU READ STUFF LIKE THIS!

------------------------------------------------------------------- 10 things in golf that sound dirty

1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

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TOP 10 REASONS SOCCER IS BETTER THAN SEX

10. BALLS ARE ALWAYS CHECKED FOR FIRMNESS
9. PERIODS ONLY LAST 45 MINUTES
8. PARENTS CHEER WHEN YOU SCORE
7. SOCCER IS A LEGAL PROFESSION
6. PROTECTIVE EQUIPMENT CAN BE WASHED AND REUSED
5. SIZE DOESN'T MATTER
4. IF YOU GET TOO ROUGH YOU GET A RED CARD
3. YOU CAN SCORE USING YOUR HEAD OR YOUR FEET
2. LASTS A FULL 90 MINUTES
1. YOU CAN JUGGLE YOUR BALLS IN FRONT OF YOUR MOTHER
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You Know You're a Redneck When

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
3. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
4. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
5. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
6. You think the Nutcracker is something you do off the high dive.
7. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
8. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
9. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
10. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
11. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
12. Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.
13. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
14. You've bathed with flea and tick soap.
15. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
16. You have used a rag for a gas cap.
17. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
18. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
19. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
20. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
21. You have a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
22. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
23. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
24. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.
25. You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
26. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

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Things To Do In An Elevator

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.
4) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
5) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
6) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.
7) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.
8) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
9) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"
10) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
11) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
12) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
13) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
14) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
15) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"

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20 Ways To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters

1. Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)
2. Wait behind the door until some people come.
When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, "Trick or Treat!" Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.
3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers.
Write on it, "Top Secret" in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, "It's about time you got here," give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.
4. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room.
When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, "Come in." When they do, have everyone yell, "Surprise!!!" Act like it's a surprise party.
5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural "whirring" sound.
6. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.
7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don't move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.
8. When you answer the door, hold up one candybar, throw it out into the street, and yell, "Crawl for it!"
9. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your
head off. Slam the door and runaround the house, screaming until they go away.
10. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.

11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.
12. Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.
13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.
14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.
15. Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.
16. Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.
17. Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don't have any candy.
18. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of asprin.
19. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.
20. Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you're finished.

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Inventions that never caught on

1. The water-proof towel
2. Glow in the dark sunglasses
3. Solar powered flashlights
4. Submarine screen doors
5. A book on how to read
6. Inflatable dart boards
7. A dictionary index
8. Mechanical Pencil sharpeners
9. Powdered water
10. Pedal-powered wheel chairs
11. Waterproof tea bags
12. Watermelon seed sorter
13. Zero proof alcohol
14. Reuseable ice cubes
15. See-through toilet tissue
16. Skinless bananas
17. Do-it-yourself road map
18. Turnip ice cream
19. Toe implants
20. An all white flag
21. Rolls Royce pickup truck
22. Helicopter Ejector Seat

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*The Poopie List*