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Genie Grants Wish
Two friends were in a bar drinking a beer when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have
a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure do," he replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10 inch
Bic lighter.
"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster."
"I got it from my genie."
"You
have a genie?" he asked.
"Yes, he's right here in my pocket."
"Could I see him?"
He reaches into his
pocket and pulls out a very small genie.
The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one
wish?"
"Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into his master's pocket
and leaves the man standing there waiting for his million bucks.
About this time, a duck walks into the bar followed
by another. Then more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar has ducks everywhere.
The friend tells his
buddy, "What is going on here, I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"
He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie
is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 10 inch Bic?"
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Valentine's Day Gift: It's the thought that counts
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for Valentine's Day. As they had not
been dating very long, it was a very difficult decision. After careful consideration he decided a good gift would be a pair
of gloves. Accompanied by his sister, he went to the store and bought the gloves. His sister purchased a pair of panties at
the same time. The clerk carefully wrapped both items but in the process got them mixed up. The sister was handed the gloves
and the young man got the panties. The young man mailed his Valentine's Day gift with the following note: This special Valentines
Day gift was chosen because I noticed you are in the habit of not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not
been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove.
These are a lovely shade, the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and
they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and they looked quite lovely. I wish I was there to put them on you
for the first time; no doubt, other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you
take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times I'll be kissing them in the future. I hope you'll wear them Friday night for me.
Love,
Honey Bear
P.S. The sales lady says the latest style is to wear them folded down with just a little fur
showing.
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Pick up Line
A rather confident young man walks into
a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch
for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought
this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it."
Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so
special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you
now?", she asks.
"Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties...".
The woman giggles & replies,
"Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"
The man exclaims, "Damn-- this thing must be an hour
fast!"
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Wish Gone Wrong
A man was sitting in the bar when he noticed another patron a few stools away. The guy had a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger,
but his head was the size of a grapefruit. The first man said "Excuse me for staring, but I cant help but be curious as to
why your body is so well developed, but your head is so small?"
The man said "buy me a drink and I'll tell you." The drink was ordered and the story began. I
was in the navy and my ship was sunk by a torpedo. I was the only survivor and I managed to swim to a deserted island a few
miles away. I had been there for several months and was walking on the beach one day looking for food and when I looked up
I saw a beautiful mermaid sunning on a nearby rock. She swam over to me and told me that she was a magical mermaid and could
grant me three wishes. That's great I said. I'd like to be rescued. She slapped the water with her tail and a ship appeared,
sailing straight for my island.
Next I asked for a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Another slap of the tail and I was built
like a Stallion. Then, noticing how beautiful she was and only one wish left, I asked if I could make love to her. She said
no it just wouldn't work her being half fish and all, so I said, "well, how about a little head then?"
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Viagra Advertising
The boss of a small company called a staff meeting in the
middle of a particulary stressful week. When they met the employer who knows how to have fun told the staff the purpose of
the meeting was to have a contest. The theme of the contest was "Viagra Advertising Slogans" They divided into 10 groups keeping
in mind the only rule which was you had to use a past ad slogan. Here is what they came up with-
10. Viagra, it's whaazzz up!-
9. Viagra the quicker pecker upper-
8. Viagra, like a rock-
7. Viagra, when it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight-
6. Viagra, be all that you can be-
5. Viagra, reach out and touch someone-
4. Viagra, storng enough for a woman, but made for a man-
3. Viagra, tastes great.....more filling!-
2. Viagra, we bring the good things to life-
1.This is your penis...this is your penis on drugs...........any questions
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Pirate in a Bar
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his crotch and
then sits down and asks for a whiskey. The waitress then takes the order and asks him if he knows he has a steering wheel
on his crotch. He say, yea matey, it tis driving me nuts!
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Big
Penis
One day a small girl and her dad were in the car, infront of them in a car a couple were arguing. The argument ended
up in the woman cutting the man's penis off and it flew back and hit the man and girl's windshield. Embaressed by this, the
man frantically tried to turn his windscreen wipers on but he couldn't. "Dad" said the girl, "What's that?" "It's just a fly"
said the little girl's dad. "Dad" said the little girl, "That fly has got a massive dick hasen't it?"
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Little
Johnny
DEAR SANTA, You must be surprised that I'm writing you today, the 26th of December. Well, I want to clear
up certain things that have occured since the beginning of the month. While filled with illusion I wrote you a letter asking
for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying all year!
Not only was I the first in my class but i hasd the best grades inthe whol school!! I'm not going to lie to you santa, there
was no one in my whole neighborhood that behaved better than me. I would run errands for everyone nad help the elderly cross
the street. There was nothing i wouldn't do for humanity. WHAT BALLS YOU HAVE LEAVING ME A FUCKING YO-YO, A STUPID ASS WHISTLE,
AND A PAIR OF SOCKS! WHAT THE FUCK WHERE YOU THINKING YOU FAT PRICK! YOU'VE TAKEN ME FOR A SUCKER THE WHOLE FUCKING YEAR,
YO COME OUT WITH SHIT LIKE THIS UNDER THE TREE! AS IF YOU HADN'T RAMMED IT UP ME FAR ENOUGH, YOU GAVE THAT LITTLE SHIT HEAD
ACROSS THE STREET SO MANY FUCKING TOYS, THAT HE CAN'T EVEN WALK INTO HIS HOUSE WITHOUT TRIPPING OVER ALL HIS SHIT! DONT LET
ME SEE YOU TRY TO FIT THAT LARD ASS OF YOURS DOWN OUR CHIMNEY NEXT YEAR! I'LL MAKE A BIG ASS FIRE AND BURN YOUR GRAY BALLS!
I'LL THROW ROCKS AT THOSE STUPID ASS REINDEERS OF YOURS AND SCARE THEM AWAY SO YOU'LL HAVE TO WALK THAT BIG FAT KEISTER OF
YOURS ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE NORTH POLE JUST LIKE I HAVE TO DO SINCE YOU DIDN'T GIVE ME NO FUCKING BIKE. WATCH YOUR LARD
ASS NEXT YEAR YOU FAT FUCKING OLD PUNK BITCH.
Love always,
Little Johnny
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Little Johnny 2-
The teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New
York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word
'fascinate'."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."
The
teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."
Little Johnny Siebert raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because
Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called
on him.
Johnny Seibert said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
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A Hippie-
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would
have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the at the next stop.
When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with
you." The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes
to the cemetery and prays to God. "If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are God
and you could command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides this is a great idea, so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At
midnight sure enough the nun shows up and begins praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD! I have heard
your prayers and I will answer them, BUT ... first you must have sex with me." The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she
might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun.
After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts,"Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the hippie!!"
Then the nun jumps up and shouts, "Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the bus driver!!"
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The Blind Man
It was a hot summer day and two nuns were
painting a room in the convent.
As there was no air conditioning the heat soon became unbearable. The first nun said
that they should remove their clothes so that they would be cooler.
The second said what if someone should come?
The
first said we'll lock the door and then we will be safe. So they lock the door and continue painting when there is a knock
on the door.
The first nun asks who it is and the reply comes back "It is the blind man."
The two nuns confer
and decide that the blind man can't see anything and let him in, at which time the man says "Nice tits sisters, where do you
want these blinds?"
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Cucumber and Pickle
A cucumber and a pickle were having a conversation.
The pickle said to the
cucumber, "I got it bad man, everytime I get big, fat and juicy I get seasoned and put in a jar."
The cucumber said
to the pickle, "Well everytime I get big, fat and juicy I get chopped up and out over salad."
The penis walks by and
overhears them and says, "I got it worse than you both. When I get big, fat and juicy I get put in a dark, smelly room and
they make me do push-ups till I throw up."
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The Donkey
A guy walked into a bar one day and noticed a jar full of money on the counter.
He
asked the bartender what it was for and the bartender replied that if he could go into the back and make the donkey laugh,
he could have that jar of money.
So the guy walks in the back and a few minutes he comes out with the donkey laughing
his head off. He gets his money and walks out.
The next day the same guy went to the same bar and noticed another jar
of money sitting on the counter. The bartender, when asked, said that if he could go in the back and make the donkey cry,
he could have that jar of money.
So the guy goes in the back and about 5 minutes later comes out with the donkey crying
huge tears.
As the guy was about to leave, the bartender stopped him and asked him how he made the donkey laugh and
cry.
The guy replied: The first time I told him I had a bigger pecker then he did, and the second time I proved it.
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Horse and Chicken
A chicken and a horse are playing in a field. The horse falls into a mudpuddle and can't get
out.
He tells the chicken to go get the farmer so he can pull the horse out. The chicken looks for the farmer but
can't find him.
The chicken takes the keys to the farmer's mecedes and brings it to the horse. The chicken ties a rope
to the bumper and pulls the horse out.
A few days later the horse and the chicken are playing in the field again, only
this time the chicken falls in the mudpuddle.
He tells the horse to go get the farmer to get him out. The horse tells
the chicken he has a better idea instead.
The horse stands over the chicken and tells him to grab his tool, and he
will pull him out. The chicken did and pulled himself out.
The moral to the story is:
If you are hung like a horse,
then you don't need a mercedes to pick up chicks!
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